most of the time...

i want to run...
i want to have some candyfloss...
i wish i could just go give sojo a hug...
things sort themselves out...
words are inadequate to completely express what i feel...
colours influence my moods...
thoughts are precious and few...
there's a song in my head...
i have simple desires...
i save the best for last...
my friends understand me...
i am grateful for what i have...
i have high expectations...
i contradict myself.

"elbows and brown pants"

I believe in instincts, vibes and filters. They aren't always well defined, it's sometimes difficult to articulate them, and yet you can just feel them. No Dejavus don't count.

At the risk of sounding outdated, I don't get sms. Pray why should I do away with my vowels? I happen to like them very much! I find it very difficult to take a message seriously when it says, "gud jb! clnt luvs cmpgn" Actually that's probably because am cringing at the slaughter. Subliminally, I have filtered you out.

And elbows off the table please!

Getting to know me has taken a while.

try some articulation!

Things change, all the time. A few minutes after i wrote my last post, my life took yet another turn. I dunno if this one has added any texture to the fabric, seems like i was chasing a gossamer dream - again.

Again, i wonder if am the only surviving hopeful. If am too old school to expect things to move slow, for them to not be purrrfect at the word go? Talking to an old new-found friend helped. Just voicing thoughts, wondering out loud to someone who proally has a few similar questions to ask. Unfortunately we dint come up with any foolproof answers. But then there really aren't any.

Relationships are complicated, or do we make them so? Are we afraid of simplicity because it shows others who we truly are? Are smokescreens really the best way to go?

Time flies by, every moment passing only once. Does that make it irrelevant or truly precious? How do we decide in three months that a lifetime together will not work out?

I think I should just stop thinking. The rustle of leaves outside is perfectly calming.

happy! mostly.
figuring things out, anew.
exploring, learning, sharing, listening and loving.

dusty thoughts

Doodling - I've stopped it. It used to be my 'drowning man's straw'. I'd clutch at it in all those mind numbingly boring lectures when some fella was trying to 'facilitate' our understanding better.

Lately I have been struck by the mundane existence that is supposed to be life. Everyone I meet seems to be resigned to his fate, hardly trying to get a new perspective on it. Most relationships are convenience led. And I recently read in a book in which the author has analysed the Indian youth. Her insights just added more weight to my intuitive understanding of the relationships I see around me. Practical relationships are the norm. Love is out the window.

Everyone has a bunch of dreams filled in their vision, but no time or place for love. If someone comes along and fits right in with the rest of the scheme of things, great! If not, well, when the time is right (read as I am well settled) I'll find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. Anyway, who knows about these things. Or does anyone even care.

I quiz myself on these thoughts. I have let people go find their way. And I am still not convinced. Maybe we just keep waiting for things to be perfect, knowing in our heads that that probably isn't ever going to happen, yet hoping in our hearts that one day, we'll say 'all's well'.

Maybe we need the sense of loss to truly value what we have lost. But I don't understand that either. Waiting until the carpet has been pulled from underneath you to miss the warmth. Can't we just be grateful for what we have, while we still have it? Don't we need to value the people who we are fortunate to be with? Can't we just try?

Bubble wrap: now, can it save me?

shift delete

I dig through my old notebooks, i sneeze. I run down to get some fresh air, or a fresh perspective. I rummage through the drawers trying to find some medical bills. I dispatch a new bundle to the laundry. I dream of blue seas and white washed homes. I read. Nothing gets through though. It is like a strange sort of vacuum that separates my skin from the nerves that carry the sensory signals to my brain. I can't feel a thing. I do not know if i live. I try to do all the right things - smile, enjoy a meal, a brisk walk and the flowers. Again, that feeling of watching my life unfold from a distance. I have walked these paths before. It has been a while. Am not sure how the map pans out from here on. A bend ahead, i know not what lies beyond. Or maybe i do. That ought to explain why I'm taking my time getting there. Utopia. The whiff of lunacy. Oh no no, it's just the sea breeze. Maybe that should tell you you're here. Truly here. Breathing in this moment, basking in the sun's light... Reaching out to people I knew helps lesser and lesser each day, the gap is widening. They know the person that used to be me. I don't know that person anymore. I look back and critique her naivete, her optimism, her desire to find herself. It has been a long journey, some things learnt, some forgotten. Identity. The loss of one, the embracing of another. Snake skin, shed today, a new one now - shiny, temporary. Pebbles, stored away. Memories, blotted away... Trying so hard to forget, I haven't had the sense to pick and choose the fate of them. The good have fled with the ugly, maybe that is why i feel empty. Who am i? I ask again, and again. What do I want? I never felt so detached, from my own life. Always cared about who i was, how i was, what i thought. It's all gone. In one single swoosh! A vague recall, of smiling eyes.

love...lost and found?
has anyone ever?

I don't know a soul
who went back to being the way it was..
before the beginning to the end.

I can't remember a friend or foe
who tried it all and still kept the hope
of finding a better tomorrow out in the sun...

With the same one, i mean...

Survivors galore,
Old wives folk-lore
But really, really all alone

We walk in unity they say,
Even in our solitude
When we are forlorn, lonely and lost

But beyond today
After tomorrow
the courage to face another sorrow

That's what being brave is
Just doing the thing that feels right
When the ground you walk on
Shakes beneath you toes.