side-walk

Sometimes i wish really hard that i knew where life was taking me. Whether the paths i have chosen will take me closer or father away from my dreams. I need a new perspective almost everyday on things i see everyday! Its almost as if what worked last night, its oh so not working by this afternoon. Its all a collossal waste of time, this figuring out the solutions. They work only for the moment, and sometimes not even then.

Life of course has its own wicked sense of humour. The more i distance myself from events, the harder it pushes me towards the demons. I run sometimes, sometimes i hide. But not for long. I dunno if its my nature or my destiny, but i cannot not resolve matters. They have to be dealt with, sorted into neat little piles in my mind. Some stashed away for posterity, others put through the shredder. And when i move on, i fool myself into believing that i have truly forgotten all that i wanted to be left behind. Alas! Life catches on. Memories that were never meant to be, oh they come rushing back. But i destroyed them, i say. Thrust them in a bottle, shoved in the cork and flung the bottle far out to sea. All life does, is smirk at me.

And i know, its a battle lost. Again. Its like life itself is pretty bored. So it weaves these patterns and throws in colours galore. Shades of primaries, tints of greys, dollops of sunny yellows and fresh greens. Blue, well its sometimes the colour of the season, but if you've been around the block and back, you know there's magenta waiting ahead. It takes its time finishing the art, sometimes its scratchy, sometimes its not. But all i know, is this bit of truth, its all beyond us, sometimes its fluke.

Ah! You ramble yet again. I stop myself, avoid the pain. Angel of laughter, birds of flight, i crave your company, I miss those times. Every one of the little monsters are back, i try to fight them, i use a new tack. Climb atop the mountains, swim the seas, dig a hole in the ground and tunnel through trees. I wish i could just, rush away, stick to my guns and refrain from sway.

When i leave this home of mine, i want to carry the sands of time. Clutched in the palm of my hand, the map to never, neverland. Cloudy and sunny both at once, makes me feel, like the class dunce. Figuring out the map out of here, I cannot not face my fear.

Its been a while..

I began a journey almost a year ago. I carried in my backpack little but hope. A dream had been realised, a hope had been fulfilled. I was on my way to begin my first year at the school i had been raving about for a little over two years. Finally, i said to myself, finally i had come where i belonged. Exactly the place that will embrace me. It did. And i fell in love...an ongoing lovestory was born.

MICA has given me so much more than what i came here with. It has taught me so many things, helped me heal and carried me along when i needed to be. I found so much here, lasting friendships, my own space, and yes a whole lot of difficult-to-deal-with moments. But i survived... got thru to the other side. I never thought i was capable of the colossal amounts of insanity that i displayed during the time. Maybe it helped me survive. Maybe it brought me trouble. But maybe, at the end of it all in some twisted way, it was worth the shot.

Life will be different when i get back to campus. Familiar landscapes will tell different tales. Hostels that were abodes to friends, will now be full of new beings, strangers at first, friends along the way, i hope. Another set of buildings will play host to batchmates, once home to people who welcomed us to MICA, now off in search of newer horizons.

One thing i'm glad about, my room still will be mine. Chandni will still be home. The view from my window that turned very close shades of green over the seasons, will thrill me again. The setting sun, the moonlight, the gentle breeze blowing and the tinkle of the windchimes, all i look forward to with a hope in my heart. Moments experienced within this bubble will not be forgotten, new ones i ask myself, will they warm my heart? Realtionships were forged, squabbles were sorted, links were broken and "letting it go" became the catch phrase for a while.

I shared this world, this inner sanctum, let them in, even gave them privileged rights. Broken mirrors, kites scrunched up on the wall, post-its pinned up on my soft board. All taken down and packed away for a while. I now will return to an empty room. A room where i lived a life that feels to me like a stranger's today. As i shut the door i had lovingly painted, each brush stroke painstakingly monitored, again the soft footstep of an idyllic afternoon flitted across my mind. It was with a heavy heart that i walked down the steps...off for only three months but already mourning the demise of life as i knew it.